I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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