I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
