Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
