making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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