my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
