i just had sex bonerless
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
