Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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