I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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