Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
