Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
