A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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