It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
