she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
