shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
