Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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