You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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