You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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