Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
