I am puke
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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