Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
false alarm, still single
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
