i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
