I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
