oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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