you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
