he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.