1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
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You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
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I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.