I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
