she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Banned from zoo.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.