Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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