Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
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It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
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I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.