I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
