Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
