so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
