she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
