There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
