I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
