i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
