I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
