Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
