I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
