as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
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His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize