I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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