I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I woke up under a house in Key West
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
