I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
