Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
