Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
