babies were throwing up all over the place
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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