I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
