Im at strip club and am horny
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
