so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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