No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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