a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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