So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
