I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
