Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
