Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
