I hate all girls vehemently.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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